


When Your Mind's Made Up

by bluths



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-03
Updated: 2013-02-03
Packaged: 2017-11-28 01:58:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/668966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluths/pseuds/bluths
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall has a secret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Your Mind's Made Up

 

Niall was usually always optimistic, always smiling, laughing at something that seemed dumb to everyone else. That was always what Liam liked best, just the absolute lack of care that Niall had. He was always so sure of himself, and he rarely ever cried or appeared unhappy. But Liam noticed something different about Niall lately. He’d stopped coming to Liam’s hotel room at night, the rushed love making had stopped, and the intense cuddling and smooth kissing had stopped. Liam wasn’t sure how to bring it up to Niall in person, but others had noticed the change too. He wasn’t the same talkative, loud Niall that they were all used to, he had become quiet, and it took so much more of an effort to make him laugh.

It took ages for Liam to finally pluck up the courage and sneak off to Niall’s hotel room, and he figured that he would be asleep but it didn’t matter. He knocked on the door loudly, each and every single knock was making his ears pound, things seemed so much louder at night. As expected, Niall was asleep, but it was two in the morning after all.

“Whaddya want?” Niall asked grumpily, brushing the sleep out of his eyes, his blonde hair sticking straight up.

“I,” Liam stuttered, ran his fingers through his hair, and backed up nervously. “I just wanted to come check on you.”

The silence that followed was unbearably awkward as Niall squinted his bright blue eyes at Liam, trying to figure out exactly what he did have in mind.

Niall said finally, “Well, you’ve done your job.”

He began to close the door but Liam’s hand caught it, and he looked up at Niall with the saddest eyes he could make, he quickly said, “Let me come in.”

Niall rolled his eyes and obliged him, and Liam walked in, noticing that the hotel room was a wreck. He had no idea how Niall had managed to trash the hotel this soon, but he thought again, it was another thing to do with Niall’s weird behavior lately.

“What exactly do you want, Liam?” Niall asked him, his voice was plain and void of emotion.

“I just,” Liam’s words were caught in his throat. “I just…I wanted to see if you were okay.”

Niall shrugged, “Yeah, I’m fine.”

Liam edged his way forward to Niall, pressing his hands to Niall’s cheeks, and pressing his forehead to his whispered tenderly, “You don’t have to lie to me.”

Niall shrugged him away, “Please, Li, I’m fine. You really have nothing to worry about.”

But Liam saw something on Niall’s arm that caught his glance, and he grabbed at Niall’s arm, even though Niall tried to jerk away. And Liam was astounded at what he saw. It was a nick followed by about 4 others, all in a straight line down Niall’s forearm.

“What is that, Niall?” Liam’s voice was so soft, it was barely even audible.

“Just go,” Niall spat. “I don’t need this to-“

“ _Niall_ ,” Liam breathed desperately, his face sinking. “Please, talk to me.”

“No, I don’t need a fucking lecture from you, Liam, I’m _fine_ ,” Niall said bitterly.

“I wasn’t going to lecture you!” Liam raised his voice defensively. “I just figured…we were closer than that.”

“You wouldn’t understand,” Niall rolled his eyes, shaking his head, as he took a seat on the couch, lazily propping his feet up on the coffee table.

“Try me,” Liam said, crossing his arm and raising his eyebrows at the blonde boy.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Niall retorted stubbornly.

“Niall, this is  _serious_ ,” Liam was almost yelling. “You are hurting yourself, deliberately! How is that normal?”

“Don’t you think I fucking know it isn’t normal?” Niall shouted abrasively. “I know that I’m not normal. I don’t need you telling me that too, and if that’s what you came here for, you can fucking leave.”

“Niall,” Liam cried desperately as he sat down by his band mate, placing his arm around his shoulder. “You can tell me  _anything.”_

“I can’t tell you this,” Niall shook his head.

“But, why?” Liam was stunned; Niall could always tell him everything before.

“It’s because of  _you_ ,” Niall said, his last words stinging Liam.

Liam sat there, bile rising in his throat, struggling to think of anything he could have done to hurt Niall. His shook his head over and over, but Niall wasn’t looking. He dug his fingernails into his own skin, trying to force himself not to cry. He couldn’t be weak right now; he had to be strong for Niall.

“What did I do?” Liam’s voice was shaky.

“You think that you can just come into my room, and just…we can just fuck and it means nothing to you?” Niall demanded angrily.

“What are you talking about? Of course it means something!” Liam insisted.

“But then why are you with Danielle then?” Niall asked him, and he had this smug look upon his face.

Liam’s face contorted as anger flooded him, “Don’t you say a fucking word about her.”

“Does she know you’re gay?” Niall asked haughtily.

“Don’t,” Liam closed his eyes, shaking his head again, trying to maintain his control.

“You’re just lying to everyone,” Niall kept on. “You’re not doing anyone a favor.”

“What the hell do  _you_  think I should do about it then?” Liam asked severely.

“I’m tired of hiding who I am,” Niall looked down at the ground, his voice suddenly grew quiet. “I always thought I was fucked up, but I guess I really am.”

“What, because you like guys or-“

“No,” Niall interrupted gravely. “I have depression; apparently, I had to go see a doctor.”

“When the hell did this happen?” Liam asked urgently.

“Oh, a while ago,” Niall replied casually.

“And you didn’t tell any of us?” Liam was offended.

Niall shrugged again, and Liam had the overwhelming urge to slap him, “I didn’t wanna seem like I was attention seeking.”

“You can tell us anything, and you know that, Niall,” Liam shook his head, his voice rising. “Why would you hide something like this?”

“Look, it doesn’t matter so just forget it, alright?” Niall’s voice was stern.

“But, Niall, you’re hurting yourself,” Liam started.

“You need to leave,” Niall said darkly, he didn’t even look at Liam.

“No, I’m not gonna leave it like this,” Liam shook his head. “Niall, you need someone…and I’m here for you.”

“I don’t  _need_  anyone,” Niall objected. “I just  _need_  you to leave; I  _need_  to go to sleep.”

“Why won’t you just talk to me, Niall?  It was never like this before.”

“I’m sick of you leading me on,” Niall broke, finally, he looked hurt, and his voice was unstable. “You can’t just sit here and fuck me around and then go back to your girlfriend and act like everything’s okay. You can’t play me around like that; I’m not just gonna be an available shag when you need one at the moment.”

“Then why did we even start?” Liam snapped at him.

“Because I thought you wanted something more like I did!” Niall shouted at him. “I figured, ‘oh how much can he really love her if he’s fucking his best mate?’ I just assumed it was known.”

“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” Liam yelled, his voice was full of annoyance. “Niall, I fucking love you, I really do, but I can’t just sit here and try and help you and you won’t even let me. I’m not just going to leave Danielle without owing her some kind of explanation. Tell me where we stand, and maybe I will.”

The room grew eerily quiet once more as Niall bit his lip, and Liam could tell he was about to say something that could either make or break his heart. He braced himself for the inevitable fall, because Niall was the most stubborn fucker he’d ever met in his life, and nothing was going to change that. Once Niall’s mind was made up, that was that.”

“I don’t know…” Niall replied quietly.

“Who’s playing who around now?” Liam countered.

He turned on his heel and walked out of the room, leaving Niall there alone. He figured it probably wasn’t a good idea to leave Niall alone, seeing as he had to be in a fragile state for sure now. He could safely break down in his hotel room, his sobs shaking his whole body, his head becoming clogged with tears and thoughts that he couldn’t control. He couldn’t lose Niall, Niall was the only genuine thing he had ever had. 


End file.
